Just A Little Wisper

This post is about a spiritual journey. If this is offensive to you please stop reading. I will not tolerate anything negative about this post and will delete any offensive comments, etc. Otherwise, please keep reading.

I want to start of by saying I am not religious. I am spiritual. I have faith because it has been tested and proven. I believe in a loving, kind, caring Higher Power. I refer to this Higher Power as God for the connivence of things. People know what you mean when you say God, as opposed to Higher Power. A few will understand all of this.

I am a lucky one. I have always believed in a Higher Power. I always knew God was out there. I was never afraid of him (again I use the male version for connivence). The way my family tells it, they thought I was going to be a nun when I was a child. Not that I was a pious child but I was always praying. I was always thanking God for good days and fun times. My Aunt tells a story about when I was little. We went to a pond near my paternal grandparent’s house to feed the ducks. My aunt found me with my head down and eyes closed. She asked if I was alright. I said “I’m fine. I’m just praying to God and thanking him for this wonderful day.” She was stunned. I ran off to chase the ducks. I was probably 7 at the time.

I was small when I begged my mom to take me to church. You see my family isn’t overly religious. My maternal grandparents were Episcopalian but not involved in a church. My father was raised Catholic, but wasn’t practicing. I remember visiting my paternal grandparents and going to mass with them. It seemed dark. I remember being frustrated that I couldn’t participate fully in the service. My mom found an Episcopal church near us and took me.

I remember one of the first time we went to the church. Mom made an appointment with the Minister at the time, Kitty. Yes, a women. She took us around the church and explained all the stained glass windows showing scenes from the bible. They were beautiful. She explained about the alter and the dressings. She showed me where on the alter cloth the women who had made it had turned one if the ivy leaves in to a dragon because nothing could be perfect. Only God was perfect. I remember it being cool, and quiet and dim. It felt safe. Almost like a heavy hug.

I got involved. I was able to participate fully because I had been baptized. I became part of the congregation. I loved learning and hearing bible stories. I loved listening to sermons even though I don’t remember paying close attention. I became an acolyte, which meet I got to dress up and participate in the service. I started reading passages during the service.

When Kitty left, because she had been given her own church, she asked me to come to the National Church for her service. It was a huge deal and I felt special. I was one of several from Our church that got to participate in the service.

When the new Reverend came, he asked me to read at his welcoming ceremony. I felt special and like I belonged. I wanted to be confirmed.

I was told I couldn’t be confirmed by another minister, because I was so young. But she was more then willing to allow me to baby sit her children. I remember her house smelled like dirty dishes and cat piss. I was devastated. How dare you tell someone what is or isn’t in their hearts. Why does it have anything to do with age? And so began my trouble with religion.

Ghandi has a wonderful quote “the problem with Christianity is the Christians.” I believe this of all religions not just Christianity. People get in the way. People get in the way of a personal relationship with God.

I spent the next 10 years searching for God.

I tried witch craft. That didn’t work for me. Too many moon phases and the idea of casting spells seemed far fetched to me.

I tried Evangelical Christianity. I had a bible study leader tell the group that the problems with the world were all because of Democrats and Gays. I’m a Registered Democrat. I have a gay uncle. Another time she went on to rant about criminals. I had brother in jail at the time. I struggled with the fact that I knew she had committed adultery. And drank like a fish. But apparently those were “lesser” sins and somehow negated because she was a Republican. Needless to say I didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy about Jesus, who was supposed to be my savior. But apparently not if I was a Democrat, Gay or a criminal. This didn’t work for me.

I took an Eastern Religions course in college. I loved it. My professor required us to visit a place of worship for one of the religions we studied. I chose a Buddhist temple. I was so interesting. I brought my mom along with me. The Buddhist were very welcoming. I felt awkward during the service. It wasn’t what I expected. I was intrigued. I did more studying. I love the teaching about the flame. We also studied Hindu during this class. There God are compare able to Catholic Saints. You pray to one for a certain reason the same way a specific Saint is supposed to help you with a certain issue. Hindus believe that all the Gods are a facets of one a God, And I remember it hitting me that we are all praying to the a same God. We just call him different names. We are all looking for a relationship with God and how to obtain that.

I continued to talk at God during this time. I prayed some. I don’t think I listened much. Except when a God shouted at me.

I have always had experiences in my life that I can explain as nothing other then a God interaction. For example, Just before I left to go to California I was struggling about what I should do. I was engaged to my future husband, who was serving in Iraq. I had arranged for an apartment out there for us. But I couldn’t get a job confirmed. I called and called. Emailed. Pestered. I couldn’t move to California without a job. I’m a stubborn girl and refused to not take care if myself. So one day I’m trying on bathing suits with my mom, lamenting about California and the job and what I should do. Finally my mom says “Sarah, have you prayed about it?” I was stunned. The thought had never occurred to me. So I said “Fine. God give me a sign. If I’m supposed to move to California show me how. If I’m not supposed to move. Fine. Just let me know what I’m supposed to do. Show me what you want me yo do.” Mom says I was shouting at this point. She says she was nervous about being kicked out if the store. LOL! I remember feeling calm after that.

And then my phone rang. It was the job. They were calling to offer me a position.

Now some people will say this was a coensedense . Luck. I say it was God answering my prayer. When I became open and accepting of his will he showed it to me. And I did it. I quit my stable, good job and moved across the country for love.

I have had other times in my life where I felt like I was being gently pulled through events by a string attached to my gut. Looking back now, I know that these are times when I was following God’s path for me.


So Let’s Try This Again

This blog has been calling my heart again.  I honestly don’t know why.  I feel called to share and write down my experiences.  Lots has happened since last I posted.  I have done lots of crafty stuff.  I’d like to catch y’all up if I can.  I don’t know where to start but I think they should all be separate blog entries.  I’ll start working on them and see how it goes.  Please be patient with me… I have a life that I am trying my damnedest to enjoy and experience as it quickly buzzes by.  I’ll keep you posted ;o)

And then a little plus sign showed up….

In the middle of all the drama with the pipes at our house I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I was about 5 days late and with all the insanity I hadn’t started my period.  I figured more than likely it was related to the stress but we had been trying to get pregnant.  So I needed to know.

And a little plus sign showed up!  I was shocked.

I had all these cute ways I was planning on telling Matt this time.  When I found out I was pregnant with J, I cursed and almost fell off the toilet.  Then went out to the living room to Matt saying “My boys can swim!”  LOL!  Such a goof-ball!  This time I wanted it to be special.  I wanted it to be memorable.  I had seen so many cute things on Pinterest that I was dying to try.  And then life happens.

I walked in to the bedroom where Matt was on the phone with a possible contractor to fix the pipes.  I was waiting till he was finished on the phone before I was going to tell him but he turned and saw me standing there with the test in my hand.  He nodded his head and mouthed “And?” I shook my head yes and he said “Holy shit you’re pregnant.”  I’m sure that was quite a shock for the contractor on the phone.  LOL!

I walked downstairs to talk to my mom who was cleaning.

She said “And?”

 “I told you.”
“that’s a good thing right?!”

“Of course!  I knew I was.”

I got a big hug and  grin from her.

I then walked outside to tell my dad who was taking down Christmas lights.

I said Dad “you want a surprise?”
“The insurance company isn’t going to over the cost of the repairs?!”

“No dad, I’m pregnant.”

“Oh Jesus Christ!!!”  He turned and ran off the porch.

I just stood there dumbfounded.  He then came back and said congratulations.  It was a little unnerving though.  Dad is really excited he just doesn’t handle surprises well.

When I went back upstairs J stopped me and said “You have a baby in your tummy mommy?”  I told her a I and that she was going to have a baby brother or sister.  I asked if she wanted to touch my tummy and she said yes and then patted my tummy.  It was precious.  J is going to make a great big sister!

I then of course had to make all the notifications to the family members.  I asked all of them if they were sitting down before I told them.  All of them are excited.  I am so grateful for my family.  They are so supportive of us it is just amazing!

After the appropriate family members were notified, I had to tell my best friends.  I have several.  I am lucky like that.  Each one of them said that they screamed when I sent them the picture of the test.  Nickie was at work (at a bank) so I can just imagine how that went with the customers.  LOL!   Several said they were grinning like Cheshire cats.  This baby is so loved already.  We are so lucky.  I am so grateful.

By my calculations I was about 5 weeks when we found out and Baby Dees is due in September.  We are super excited and can’t wait to meet the little bundle of joy!  This has been a blessing with so much other stress going on in our lives.